Four: “Avoiding the pitfalls of relationships”
Relationships are complex things. This is because, as I’ve come to realise, every single person on this planet is different. In reality, you aren’t going to find your perfect match, your perfect date or even perfect person to spend a chunk of your time with (not in the space of a day anyway).
So to tackle that challenge, I propose two pieces of advice:
- Don’t be a settler
- Don’t be a chaser
Now it may seem difficult to do both as surely one of the above would be compromised, but if you really try hard enough and value yourself highly enough – both can be avoided to result in your own happiness coming first and foremost when letting someone into your life in an intimate way.
You don’t want to half ass it. You’ll be sharing your inner most complex thoughts, your body, soul and mind with this individual. Would you like someone who lashes out and blatantly blabs all of your personal business about the place if you guys were to break up? To answer that for you, no you do not.
So with that, don’t settle. If you’re not 100% about a person, don’t push yourself into a situation that you aren’t fully comfortable with. Settling does not look good, I can tell you that much.
But neither does chasing. I guess in truth, it’s a form of desperation and need that may come across as a little bit over the top. I think chasing is nearly worse than settling as you just waste your own time, not being yourself and fitting in to someone else’s agenda (and they might not even realise that you’re going to such efforts).
I admit that this advice is coming from my own guilty conscience of having participated in both of these scenarios. Honestly, neither of the two makes you feel any way good about yourself. You aren’t be true to you or the other person involved and really that’s not fair to anyone. If this is happening, the reality of it is that both people could be off exploring other paths elsewhere, it’s a bit of a time wasting activity.
Now to take you to a metaphor.
I was on airplanes twice last week, going and coming home from the Netherlands. I realised that no matter where you sit on a plane, it’s impossible to see out from both windows at the side of the plane and once.
Now this does leave the passenger in a bit of a dilemma, where do they look? Which side will bring them more satisfaction in terms of the view? Or which side will they be disappointed to look at?
This comes back to the settling vs. chasing argument. If you’re too focused on the view from one side, you’ve settled for it and it is impossible now to see any of what’s happening on the other side.
When you focus too much on one person for too long, and in really being honest with yourself you see that the view isn’t changing – you’re missing out on the potential views from the other side.
This is the same of potential relationships. If you spend all your time chasing the one person, you could be just punishing yourself by missing what’s really going on around you in terms of the full picture.
So I would say, take a step back. Look away from the window. If it’s right and meant to be, the attention of the person should make its own way back to you, or even notice your absence as you take your focus away from them.
I admit that this is something challenging, but these things are sometimes truly impossible to control. Being kind to ourselves should be first and foremost.
All images used are from my personal Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/cathyleex/